


The Queen prefers twins

by EnthusiasticPage



Category: A Practical Guide to Evil - erraticerrata
Genre: Comedy, Complete, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-29
Updated: 2019-11-29
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:54:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21598744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnthusiasticPage/pseuds/EnthusiasticPage
Comments: 1
Kudos: 34





	The Queen prefers twins

It was a fundamental truth of humans they were obsessed with sex.

Cordelia believed this was the only reason there could be so many fanciful rumors which doubled as erotic fantasies. She knew some people attributed her rise to First Prince and support by heroes during the Salia coup due to her feminine wiles. It was common knowledge White Knight and Black Queen were engaged in secret trysts - which had sparked a bawdy song with heavy shatranj metaphors. Now, the rumor that the Black Queen's mysterious advisor was a faerie the Black Queen had seduced had transitioned to the rumor her advisor was the bound soul of the Butcher of Liesse Black Queen had seduced.

Cordelia was quite certain such rumors were overstated. Her agents had gathered ... contradictory ... information from a former lover of Catherine Foundling's orphan days. Such a large quantity of information had been gathered the former lover had began yelling "Procer isn't as sneaky as it thinks." on sight. Which had made the Circle of Thorns quite sad, as they had been previously convinced they were very sneaky.

The Black Queen smiled. "I have come here to address a rumor which has come up, that one of my advisors is Akua Sahelian, the Butcher of Liesse." she said.

Cordelia prepared herself to deal with yet another diatribe on the soft-headedness of Procer. In this aspect her dealings with Levant had prepared her well.

"My advisor is in fact Ubua Sahelian, Akua Sahelian's identical twin sister!" the Black Queen announced with obvious relish.

Most of the Blood turned to the Grey Pilgrim, who had a combination of disgust and awe on his face. The Pilgrim's expression reminded Cordelia of how visiting royalty reacted when her mother slipped into her more informal eating habits.

Cordelia forced her expression into a vaguely disapproving frown. "I was unaware that Akua Sahelian had a twin sister." she said.

"You see, Cordelia" said the Black Queen. "The Praesi - and the Sahelians in particular - have terrible child-rearing customs. Raising identical twins under the same identity is one of them. They also force their children to kill their childhood friends and ritually forcefeed them if they accidentally insult guests."

"Black Queen, whatever purpose does this act aid?" Cordelia said. All three of those are completely implausible.

"Sounds better than normal Procer child-rearing." said Aquiline of Slayer's Blood. Cordelia suppressed a sigh. Of course her guests would take the chance to snip at Procer.

 _The Black Queen is testing me_ Cordelia realized. Cordelia would need to roll in the mud to prove she wanted to ally with a pig. And roll in the mud she would, for the good and Good of Procer.

Cordelia nervously looked around as the room feel into an awkward silence, carefully trying to avoid looking at the fresco made from looted Levant barrow wood. Most of the guest rooms in Salia had some traces of the great lootings Procer had committed against Levant and the Titanomachy. Cordelia had attempted to avoid any trace of them in the areas she showed to Levant, but the Black Queen had taken no such care in where she had called this meeting.

Luckily none of the Blood seemed prone to notice the Levant devices around this palace.

"Black Queen. Are you a mage?" Razin of Binder's Blood said, finally breaking the silence.

Something clicked in Cordelia's mind. The giant lake in the sky, subverting the will of Angels...of course Black Queen was a mage. Probably taught by Warlock himself. How many of the Hierophant's varied achievements were in secret the Black Queen's work? Was hiding the Gift common in the Wasteland, after Akua Sahelian had done the same? Perhaps the Empress had hidden the same capability.

"I am not a mage." said the Black Queen

Cordelia frowned. She would have to find a way to ask about the possibility of the Empress being a mage without looking stupid.

"My entire Blood is based on binding spirits to ourselves - we have rites of passage when binding spirits, competitions on who can send their spirits the farthest, and cataloged personalities based on which spirit an individual chose to bind." Razin said.

Cordelia had made some study of Levant, and knew at least that last claim was true. Bears were widely considered to be a symbol of cowardice, as they were unusually easy to catch during their hibernation compared to their martial might. Hawks were also considered a symbol of cowardice, as they were more useful for spying on opposing forces rather than facing them directly. Manticores were also also considered a symbol of cowardice, because the Levant bear-binders of a century ago had really needed a scapegoat to avoid looking unusually cowardly.

"I have been excluded from this glory because I lack the Gift. If you have managed to bind this spirit without being a mage, please tell me how you did it." Razin finished.

"Ah" said the Black Queen. "The Hierophant was behind binding my advisor." She turned to her fellow villain.

Razin was showing a smile that Cordelia had only seen once before, when she had informed the Levant heroes passing through Salia north about the giant, twelve legged undead "crab" which had been seen on the northern front.

The Hierophant begin. "Well, the first step in creating our Advisor's current form was for Cat to achieve apotheosis..."


End file.
